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 Peasian

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Peasian
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Join date : 2013-08-02
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PostSubject: Peasian   Fri Aug 02, 2013 3:04 pm

Name of your character: Peasian

Race: Saiyan

Age: 22

Power level: 10,000.

Appearance: Peasian is is quite short, standing only at 5'6". But he doesn't let his size stop him. He is muscular and wears armor that is colored black primarily. The straps, thigh plates, and plate over his stomach are colored dark blue. His hair is black and goes down his head unevenly with a large strand curling in the middle. It goes back, almost horizontally, off of his head and spikes slightly. His body suit sleeves cut off at the elbows and at his knees. The toes of his boots are colored blue, while the rest and his gloves are white. He has a scar on the left side of his face that goes along his cheek. His scouter lens is colored gray.

Background: Peasian was born on Planet Vegeta to a Middle Class mother and father. He was mich shorter than other Saiyans, but he tries his damnedest to make up for it. When he turned 18, Peasian enlisted in the Saiyan Army. He proved himself to be a great warrior. On the battlefield, Peasian showed himself to be quite respectful to those who have earned his respect, including his foes. If an enemy showed determination, he let them live, but had the ultior motive of letting them live with the guilt of being too weak to protect their people. Peasian preferred not to use Great Ape, wanting to have command over himself. He absolutely despises Frieza. Hating the way he uses the Saiyans as means of wealth.

Peasian was chosen as one of the 200 Saiyans to leave Planet Vegeta. When he finally woke from cryostasis, the first thing he said after was a complaint about the cold. Peasian was quite shaken by the knowledge of his planet's destruction and the death of most of his race. He had a new found sympathy for the survivors he left after helping destroy countless races. Not being strong enough to stop the destruction of everyone he loved. This was his fuel.

He wanted revenge on Frieza and spent most of his days, training to grow stronger. He trains harder and harder each day, but has noticed it has very little effect on how strong he is. Peasian was unaware of any news concerning Frieza and, ultimately, didn't care. He wasnonly interested if it was a mission that ended in Frieza dead. He is often distracted from training, though, when he begins to question his actions from his time of joining the Saiyan Army.

Techniques:
•Kamehameha - is an energy beam technique. The Kamehameha is formed when cupped hands are drawn to the user's side and the ki is concentrated into a single point between the cupped hands.The hands are then thrust forward to shoot out a streaming, powerful beam of ki energy. The blast can also be used with just one arm. In most variants, the user utters the word "Ka-me-ha-me-Ha!!!" as he/she charges and releases the attack.

•Energy Barrier - is both a defensive and an offensive technique. The user charges their ki around them, forming a transparent barrier of either golden or silver energy. This technique can be used to deflect or dampen attacks or it can be used as an offensive attack, damaging the surroundings and opponents it touches.

•Power Ball - is a technique used by Saiyans to mimic the presence of a full moon. By combining ki with the planet's atmosphere, a ball of condensed Blutz Waves is created. Using this technique, a Saiyan can achieve the Great Ape transformation even when a full moon (or similar planetary body) is not present.

•Big Bang Attack - is an energy sphere technique. The user extends his arm and opens his palm, turning his hand up at a 90 degree angle (as if to signal "Stop"). He then powers up and fires a powerful whitish-yellow energy sphere at the opponent. This attack creates an enormous explosion upon contact.

•Special Beam Cannon - is a powerful energy beam technique. The move is performed by touching the index and middle fingers of one hand to the forehead and charging enough energy to attack. Its speed changes to the power level of the person performing the move. When ready, the fingers are extended forward, the attacker shouts the name of the attack and two thin ki beams are unleashed from the fingers. One remains straight while the other coils around the straight beam. The resulting beam is quite powerful, drilling through most targets, and exploding on the ones it can't. It can also be used with only one arm.

Theme Song (optional): None


Last edited by MrCammaster4 on Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:18 pm; edited 6 times in total
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Mokra
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PostSubject: Re: Peasian   Sun Aug 04, 2013 6:57 am

Well, let me try to help. Since Cel, Iko, Mer and Gelth seem a bit busy. 

First off, the saiyan name. Saiyan names are usually a pun of well known vegetables. I can even give you some examples from Shintai itself. Mokra; Okara - Okra. Celery -Celeria. And so on. Simply pick a vegetable, and make the name out of a little pun.

Next, the appearance could be a bit more expanded. Try to take some examples. I'll give you one. Borosel ([You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]). Some of us use images, Meraxa didn't have a perfect pic of his saiyan, so he described him. Try to describe it the same way, or at least, give some details. Scars, e.t.c.

Now, the background. Celeria prefers it to be written in three strong paragraphs. Now the big part, your story simply can't fit. The staff has referred at least once, that the only saiyans that were able to escape Planet Vegeta before it's destruction (besides canon characters) were the ones that integrated the 200 Saiyan Colony. If you're having trouble knowing certain things about the colony, simply read the plot again, or contact the staff, or other members. So your saiyan, if you want him to be a saiyan, would have to be part of the colony. Specially since you didn't give us a reason for him to not simply explode the planet he was in. Remember, a saiyan would simply destroy Earth once he grew up. Goku did not do this because he hit his head. But be original, and try not to do the same. Promise, the colony is much more fun than having a saiyan around on Earth.

So simply fix these points. Name, Appearance and Background. Also, just a tip, give your saiyan an unique trait. Something that makes him stand out. My saiyan is the most hot headed. Another saiyan, Letaus, knows the saiyan history better than anyone else. And so on. Make your saiyan interesting. That's all, hope I helped.

 Whoops, wall of text. Sorry buddy. cheers 
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Ikolo
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PostSubject: Re: Peasian   Mon Aug 05, 2013 10:24 am

I'm back from the convention now! OTL

Mokra has brought up all the problems I see so I'll just leave it at that but I'd also like to point out that the lack of spacing between your techinques makes it seem like a masive wall of text beyond the time spent writing the character itself. Please space those so we can read them too.

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In the birth cry of the cosmos, the twin eyes awake
Above us they shine, the world made safe for our sake
The forests they flourish, the towers grow high
The four lights shine down, chaos withers and dies
But imbalance grows, forests turn dark
This is our doom, the tower breaks the sky;
Here come the dragons to bring it down...
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Peasian
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PostSubject: Re: Peasian   Wed Aug 07, 2013 4:21 pm

Got it thank you both for the help
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Ikolo
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PostSubject: Re: Peasian   Thu Aug 08, 2013 5:54 am

Another problem I'm seeing is in your history. We have not had androids even be mentioned yet, they are not anywhere close to past or present timeline. I thought I should mention that. If you want to be on Earth I'd suggest making a human, if you want to be a saiyan you MUST be either on the colony awakened from cryostasis, going to be awoken from cryostasis, or stolen by General Brokka. Those are the only available Saiyan plotlines as of now.

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In the birth cry of the cosmos, the twin eyes awake
Above us they shine, the world made safe for our sake
The forests they flourish, the towers grow high
The four lights shine down, chaos withers and dies
But imbalance grows, forests turn dark
This is our doom, the tower breaks the sky;
Here come the dragons to bring it down...
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Peasian
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PostSubject: Re: Peasian   Thu Aug 08, 2013 8:54 am

Yeah I've got everything changed up and will be posting the edit soon
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Ikolo
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PostSubject: Re: Peasian   Thu Aug 08, 2013 3:19 pm

Looking better! Only a couple of fixes still needed and a question. First, the question: What color is his hair? I'm asking because we do have a few saiyans without the usual blackish hair so if you could specify that it'd be most appreciated.

The first fix is, please break your background down into paragraphs. Secondly, Frieza is not dead, we've had a war council declaring that he's heading to the colony with the intention of destroying it.

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In the birth cry of the cosmos, the twin eyes awake
Above us they shine, the world made safe for our sake
The forests they flourish, the towers grow high
The four lights shine down, chaos withers and dies
But imbalance grows, forests turn dark
This is our doom, the tower breaks the sky;
Here come the dragons to bring it down...
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Peasian
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Age : 20

PostSubject: Re: Peasian   Thu Aug 08, 2013 3:20 pm

Got it thought he was dead cause of Goku
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Ikolo
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PostSubject: Re: Peasian   Fri Aug 09, 2013 11:46 am

Might I suggest reading the [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] thread to catch up a bit on storylines? Even in canon Frieza came back as MechaFrieza because he wasn't actually killed by Goku.

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In the birth cry of the cosmos, the twin eyes awake
Above us they shine, the world made safe for our sake
The forests they flourish, the towers grow high
The four lights shine down, chaos withers and dies
But imbalance grows, forests turn dark
This is our doom, the tower breaks the sky;
Here come the dragons to bring it down...
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Meraxa
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PostSubject: Re: Peasian   Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:07 pm

Well, I was called in to comment on this... So I'll just clarify a few things, and hopefully clear them up for you.

First, could you really not assign a number on when he was woken up? This might seem an odd request, but its mostly to leave it open to any future potential players and/or characters on when their guys woke up.

Otherwise, regarding the matter of Frieza: Whilst he most certainly did not die fighting Goku (otherwise we wouldn't have Future Trunks' introduction, now would we?), the particular revelation of these details is only a few weeks - maybe only a couple days or so - old IC wise. And the saiyans have only been waking up for maybe a year at longest, I think. So if you want him to have only recently woken up, he'll have done so around the point that Celeria informed the saiyans that Frieza was coming. If he's gonna have been in the background all this time, then I would do as Ikolo has suggested and read prior threads in the Delta System section to catch yourself up. I know its a lot of reading, sorry.

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Peasian
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PostSubject: Re: Peasian   Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:10 pm

Thank you for the help. It's not a problem because I would like as much help as I can get so everything is perfect
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Peasian
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PostSubject: Re: Peasian   Tue Aug 13, 2013 12:41 am

Ok all finished up and ready for judgement
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Celeria
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PostSubject: Re: Peasian   Thu Aug 15, 2013 9:04 am

Looks good! Welcome to the game! Smile

There's just one thing - your username. I will have to change it to the name of your character, as that's forum policy. I hope you're ok with that.

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Peasian
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PostSubject: Re: Peasian   Thu Aug 15, 2013 9:06 am

Fine by me
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Celeria
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PostSubject: Re: Peasian   Thu Aug 15, 2013 9:14 am

Good!

Be sure to browse through previous threads on planet Delta to get a better idea of what's going on.

Currently, the colony is recovering from a crisis and getting ready to face Frieza.

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