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 Letaus

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Kenjiro N
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Join date : 2013-07-06

PostSubject: Letaus   Sat Jul 06, 2013 2:09 pm

Name of your character: Letaus

Race: Saiyan

Age: 19

Power level: All new characters start at 10,000.

Appearance:
Spoiler:
 

Background: Letaus was born on the first planet Vegeta (ie the one not blown up.) as a second rank and was raised like most others, as a warrior. Letaus was what you would call, a sarcastic jerk. He was normally one to screw off while working on his training and never really got out of the 2,000 range of powerlevels. This was until he got a quite literal boot in the rear from his father and he kicked it into high gear.

After that he hit a pretty decent power level of around 5,000. This caused him to actually begin training younger saiyans around the age of 14. Having no care other then to train the youngins he never really did much mission wise for Freiza, so he never saw much outside of planet Vegeta. Which effectively gave him time to read, a lot. So much in fact he learned their history and had it memorized. Letaus never made friends because they couldn't handle his attitude, same with lovers and such. Which honestly made him a loner, even by saiyan standards who often became close to a small squad of fellow saiyans. All he honestly had was his mother and father, plus some kids who looked up to him while not knowing he was barely allowed to be on planet Vegeta.

At age sixteen that changed however as he began to go off and do stuff like murdering people and destroying cities in the name of Freiza. Then going home training young saiyans then sleeping and eating then repeating the cycle. This kept happening until around age 18 when (after a mission) he smacked a commanding officer on the stomach and told him "Nice job, tubby." this landed him on "clean up crew" which was effectively cleaning up dead bodies before a planet was taken over fully. Though through hearing the higher ups speak and through a lot of practice he learned a few new moves. Eventually the day came where they had to be launched to preserve the saiyan race. Letaus had to leave behind his family due to them not having anything worth while to be sent onto the ship, while Letaus again, could recite the entire history no problem. This caused Letaus to become more serious, no friends, no family, nothing. He viewed his old sarcastic ways as a waste of his time and eventually became serious as saiyans should have been viewed to be.

At 19, he was recruited to take part on the special mission on a new colony due to his vast knowledge of saiyan history. He was frozen in a cryopod and was still dormant when his pod had been stolen along with twelve others.

Techniques:

Power Ball

Death Beam

Earth Cutting Row

Energy Barrier

Omega Blaster

Theme Song (optional):


Last edited by Kenjiro N on Mon Jul 08, 2013 9:46 am; edited 6 times in total
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Ikolo
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Join date : 2012-02-18
Age : 29

PostSubject: Re: Letaus   Sun Jul 07, 2013 9:38 am

It's looking better but one question still pervades the history section. Why? I'd like you to take a little more time on it and explain the why's of his life. What makes him tick, why was he chosen, special saiyans were chosen for the colony and they were not simply selected by status of job position (regardless of why the hay had the job). I also highly doubt he'd be assigned paid royal guard duty if it was for slighting a higher ranking officer and most especially if he became higher ranked than said officer because of it.

I still see no reason at all he'd have been selected for the colony either. You've got a good base but it needs a little more refining and building if you can so don't give up! Please make the necessary adjustments and I'll give it another look over. When it's up to snuff I'll smack Cel and Gelth's rears to get over and give him a grade!

PS I've realized a little late that the chances of King Vegeta sending off any of his royal guards is also pretty low because too many high ranking officials vanishing would arouse too much suspicion. It is most likely those closer to him and his court were kept on planet as much as possible to cover the tails of those being sent to the colony.

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In the birth cry of the cosmos, the twin eyes awake
Above us they shine, the world made safe for our sake
The forests they flourish, the towers grow high
The four lights shine down, chaos withers and dies
But imbalance grows, forests turn dark
This is our doom, the tower breaks the sky;
Here come the dragons to bring it down...
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Celeria
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Join date : 2010-03-04
Location : Planet Delta-2814

PostSubject: Re: Letaus   Mon Jul 08, 2013 3:52 am

Kenjiro, man, you can do better.

And here's my advice:

First, your bio is written in a language that's far too informal for a background.

"You see", "Like learn their history", "go off and do stuff".

That kind of language just isn't gonna cut it. You need to be serious when writing your bio, you can write your character to be brutish and casual IC, that's fine, but you as a writer have to stay serious when describing things. If English isn't your first language, don't be afraid to use a spell-check.

That's the technical stuff. But you've also got a little storyline hiccup.

"At age sixteen that changed however as he began to go off and do stuff like murdering random people and destroying random cities."

This never happened. The saiyans were sent on specific missions and errands and what they could and could not destroy was clearly defined. There was no randomness in their lives whatsoever.

The rest seems ok to me. Try not to rush yourself and take your time instead. I'm looking forward to seeing what you'll come up with. Smile

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Celeria
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Join date : 2010-03-04
Location : Planet Delta-2814

PostSubject: Re: Letaus   Tue Jul 09, 2013 1:14 pm

Ok, with the edits, I'm gonna approve this! Enjoy your time under Brokka's boot! Very Happy

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